Paper Tiger

oh yes, I did

• Have a dream that Jason Segel asked me to marry him, and I didn’t tell Annie for three days. She still called me a bitch. She’s just jealous.
• Have a dream that Joseph Gordon-Levitt asked me out on a date
• Email a publicist in Copenhagen telling them that if they’d like to “adopt an American for a bit” they can have me
• Take a 3-day recovery form working out- fattie has cramps and wants to vomit, but it’s back up and at ‘em at 4:45am tomorrow
• Eat a KitKat for lunch
• Tell my cats some work/life/friend issues I’m having, for fear of telling anyone else because I don’t want people to think I’m doing things wrong
• Question friendships, only to receive confirmation of said person using me for products
• Type this list out in a bandeau and sweatpants too big, they are rolled down my hips 3x

Beep. Bop. Boop. 1:20am thoughts

Thunderstorms in the winter, and live Elliott Smith songs are perfect. They will also make you wish you were on a bike ride.

I want to say, “I’m sorry” but I have no reason to. I think I just want to say it in hopes of hearing it back.

I miss you. I hate it.

I’m excited for visitors, and the possibility of them.

The past five days have felt so long, and for one reason alone. I’m hoping the days start to feel like real days soon. I’m hoping that the reason proves me wrong.

There is only one person who knows how heavy my heart feels at this moment. I wish I could call him.

Year End Review:

Jan: Turned the “dreaded” 30 on the 30th. Champers, pool, beer, and brunch.

Feb: Went to L.A., spent too much time backstage at The Echo and The Echoplex, Silver Lake, and Cha Cha Lounge are my second home, covered many shows, got to play with with How To Dress Well, The Radio Dept. and the Fake Four Inc. fam. Realized my hustle.

March: It’s always bad. A 22 yr acted..like a 22 yr old. Made me feel like a fool. Helped curate a SXSW showcase.

April: Kel came to Chicago. I stole a soccer ball. I saw Kim Jung il in a bar. A boy told me I was “interesting” as a compliment and said he liked my paintings.

May: Chris was in Chicago, we smiled a lot. He got to see my hustle, which made me excited, like a school girl. Headed to Minneapolis to work with the Ryhmesayers fam at their annual festival, Soundset. Hustled, made life long homies.

June: Midnight bike rides along Lake Michigan. Skinny dipping, movies in the park, sunshine. Won a trip to NYC for two.

July: Hot. Bike rides. Papa Piza came for a visit and made everyone his annual mexican fiesta.

Augusto: Hustled my ass off with BMF Media at Lollapalooza. Was able to show what I do behind the scenes with the artists and celebs with Stacey and Hillary. Celebrated Sam Ronson’s birthday with her. Hustle was recognized by some agents with Sony, L.A. and NYC. Fancy dinners and cocktails with industry execs.

Took Annie to NYC, stayed in fancy hotels. Got stuck in a hurricane. Met the Rhoda to my Mary, Katie. Ate. Got to play with Cole. Vodka Toasted Marshmallow Milkshakes. Got to play with Jacyln, drank beers with Jay. Feelings exposed, and friendships strengthened. Was asked to write for Refinery29.

Septiembre: Paris planning. Back to MN for wrap ups with the industry fam. Realized people in the industry believe in me. Helped out and made a good friend with a 20 yr old in crisis.

October: Back to NYC, this time with Stacey. Kel was in town. The Shivers show. Beers with Jacyln and Alyssa. Awkward voicemails to Michigan. Smiles. Hustle. A boy kissed me and bought me cheese fries.

November: Avery came to Chicago. Pneumonia. Friendsgiving x3. Shar came to visit!!

Diciembre: Paris is a go. 4:30 AM mornings. 4 hour first time phone calls. Hoping that hope is not lost. Back to boxing. Whiskey. Lonely Christmas, lonelier the days after. Game face on, shake it off attitude in full affect.

I’ve met some amazing people this year. If you’re on this list, you know there is a spot in my left ventricle for you. The good ones never say goodbye, they stick with you, like butter in a fat kids aorta.

30 days to:

• REACH second weight loss goal
• WORKOUT 2x a day
• STOP marinating on how I’m not the “beautiful” or “pretty” one to him and he wants someone else
• FORGET the comment from the guy who said my eyes were big and bug like and that they are scary
• NO beer (only whiskey, vodka, and champers)
• REMEMBER the person that makes me smile
• FIND someone to help me do design work with my new apartment set up
• EAT less, graze more
• ACKNOWLEDGE the feelings I have for him and let them go since they aren’t reciprocated 
• ACCEPT that I don’t look like certain girls, that I am older than them, that I have lived MY life and adventures and THEY have different lives I CAN NOT compete with
• TELL him how I feel about him
• LISTEN to my body- know how far to push before doing damage
• ASK the universe for what I want
• HUSTLE  and  prove myself to LA so I get invited out again to work
• HUG Katie when she gets in to Chicago from NYC for a visit
• LIVE my life for me. NOT for what I think someone wants me to be, or try to be a girl I’m not because they are favoured. 

lastly, in 34 days, congratulate myself for making it to age 31. 

it’s the little things

• TextsFromBennett
• “Will you be my girlfriend?” (not me, duh-just really happy for two people)
• Possible puppy or kitten adoption!! (aka forever alone)
• The delete button. 
• The idea of a visitor, possibly, maybe again…just daydreaming again…
• TARDIS coloured sparkle nail polish, called “I think you call me sexy”
• Naughty photo-booth pictures for no one, just for fun.
• Settling in for a long December nap, to forget, and regenerate.
• Crawling into the duvet cover.
• Just found out that one of the artists, Elbow we work with will be doing the soundtrack to coverage of the BBC Olympics.

whispery post: i wish list

• i could be like other girls & just kiss boys & not have it mean anything
• to swim with sharks-the bigger the shark the better
• i didn’t smile so much when nervous
• i had a platonic cuddle buddy
• paris didn’t fall through
• i was a little bit taller
• i was a baller

wants and needs

• jeff buckley, Grace album playing
• bathtub
• bottle of wine or whiskey
• camel lights
• all of the bubbles
• someone to play with my hair
• brinner
• bed island
• leg tangles
• ice cream brownie sundae
• nextflix

all i got

• today seems about right for black leather and red lipstick
• sometimes you gotta eat some minnows to swim with the sharks
• you ever get that feeling that you’re fighting with a friend, yet neither of you are aware of it?
• game face activated
• looking up train schedules to MI-you know i love a good ‘lil jaunt
• i’m doing my first tumblr eat up, any suggestions?
• minnows are delicious with red wine
• sharks don’t play nice
• game. on.

…and the penny drops

• fact: 20 somethings ARE the new designer drug
• fact: no one should let me speak with boys again because I get all giddy and excited and let down cause they don’t tell me I’m pretty or blahblahblah pay attention to me things that girls like to hear, but I’m always there for them
• fact: if I had the money I WOULD get the minor cosmetic surgery that I know would boost my confidence
• fact: I’m not even sorry to say the above, but I don’t have the money nor think they could do the procedure
• fact: I MISS HANGING OUT WITH ANNIE, Like, SO HARD.
• fact: I could get married to Jaclyn, just so I could move to NYC, we’d have the most beautiful lesbian wedding/strange relationship where we date boys
• fact: I realized that I don’t understand the terms and conditions of “dating” or “seeing each other” or “fuck buddies” or “relationship” because I never have had anything true
• fact: I’m 30 and this shit needs to stop
• fact: I’m gonna start being more selfish and fucking off more people cause, man, people suck
• fact: I’d rather be on a bike ride
• fact: I’m still really excited for him to visit, if he does, even if he doesn’t think I’m pretty or whatever
• fact: it’s Monday. you say? Yeah, no thanks, sir. I do not like it one. bit.

so close to: nearing the end of hell day

• edit photos from last night
• write review from last night
• dear buddha i have to EAT SOMETHING!
• await Stacey’s arrival for sleepover, stay up all night, lots of wine drinking
• pack for mother fucking NYC
• do stupid shit like make a movie for you to all laugh at with stacey-because i mean, let us get real, you all loved that last one
• hold plank for 5 mins
• get to the airport at 4:14am

no sleep til brooklyn…or..the east village

yesterday:

• meetings/research
• picked up publicist
• stayed up with publicist til 2:30am talking shop and making fun of the wackadoos that emailed me on OkCupid! (it’s an experiment)

today:

• day job
• meetings/radio bit
• meet up with sims/paper tiger/cecil otter/ lazerbeak
• head to bottom lounge for sound check/ set up /dinner/all the beers

tomorrow:

• come to work hungover
• meeting with boss so he can pretend to have authority and yell at me
• work 2 hours later than normal
• meeting at 8pm
• workout at 9pm
• pack for NYC at 11pm
• edit photos/write review 1am
• leave for NYC at 4:15am
• arrive NYC, drop shit off at apt, find the earliest establishment that serves adult beverages 9am-ish
• get a coffee