Paper Tiger

i’m alright, i’m okay, and it’s going to be fine.

I’ve been trying to find the words to fit what I’m feeling. It’s the season for new romances, for romances to solidify, for people to move closer to each other, travel to be spend a whirlwind 96 hours together. My friends who once were cynics are now love addicts. I’m happy for them.  My friends in long, serious relationships put their heads together to think of what single friend they’d like to introduce me to.

I’ve been told by many that I am a “late bloomer.”, in life. 

“I just don’t understand why you’re single, you’re so wonderful.”

“You are going to find that wonderful love, one day.”

Look, I’ve been thinking about this for a long while now. I don’t know that I ever will “find that wonderful love.”. I’m not saying I’m a cynic, and I don’t believe in love. But right now, I’m not looking for it. Maybe love will find me in the romantic way, one day. 

People like to say, “You pick the wrong guys.”, admit it, we’ve all said it before. The thing is, we don’t always know they are wrong for us when we meet them. Sure, none of my relationships have been long, or as deep as many of you. But I always gave them my all. I always gave it that old college try. 

Looking at the past year, I’ve admitted to my guy friend my feelings for him. He didn’t feel them back. But I put myself out there. So I tucked those feelings into my left ventricle (it has more storage room), where I don’t have to feel them. Because that is what happens when feelings aren’t reciprocated. We tuck them away, and let them be in darkness, so they wont bother our everyday. This trick works most of the time.

And yes, who is to say that they wont come to me in the future with reciprocated feelings? If they are still in my left ventricle, then they will come out. If not, then they are gone. We have to be honest with our feelings, and honest with ourselves. 

I’m being honest with myself right now. I don’t have the time to be in a relationship. I have time to daydream about cuddles, bed island drinking and netflix. Don’t we all? This is not to say that I wouldn’t give the opportunity to be with someone should it  arise, should it present itself. But I’m not thinking about it. For a short time this past year I was very enamored with a boy. He ran away, and I haven’t spoken to him in months. 

I know now what I want in a partner in crime. I want someone who has their own life, passions, and future. Someone who respects the one that I have. I want someone who carries a handkerchief, who will listen to that new album I got, despite the fact that they haven’t heard of the artist. I want a friend that I can drape my arm around, and who will wake me up when I’m lucid dreaming. I want someone who doesn’t think I’m weird because I keep three jars of peanut butter in my pantry. I don’t want to be with someone all the time. I want my space. I want to know that I’m wanted, even though I may not see or talk to that person. I want to be able to co-exist with someone. To come together and have time with one another. To not have that time be all the time.

Now I can’t say that I don’t sometimes think of someone when I lay down in bed island, and look at the moon outside my window. But I’m okay that when I roll to the left that no one is there. Naturally I want to know someone is thinking of me fondly, when they roll to the right side of their bed. It’s human nature. 

Right now I have important things to focus on, like my health. Getting healthier, flushing my body of the toxins of the past three months of drug therapy, operations etc. I have my bike to fix up. I have Mezzic, and music, and so much going on with that. I have my own adventures to focus on. Plane tickets to buy, friends to meet for the first time, tattoos to draw, mountains to “climb”, NYC in the summer, music festivals I’ve haven’t been a part of. There isn’t a man I know that respects these things, finds these things beautiful in me and about my life at this moment. And you can’t force a thing to grow.

So I have to focus on myself, for myself. Until someone can understand that, and share a bed with me I have no feelings about love, or romance. I just can’t right now. My own adventure and future I’m creating for myself is too important. Maybe next year, I’ll kiss someone, have that smile again across a table, and roll over to my left side and toss my arm across a body. Until then, allons-y!

For those of us who knew Mark, we knew beauty.

(via:thelastshepherd)

We sure damn did.

RIP to an inspiration, a true original, a beauty. Love and hugs to all of you out there who knew her, and who were inspired by her. 

(Source: diamondmind)

It’s hard to be alone when you know who you want to be with.

dudeseriously:

Before I met him, I was so content being alone.

Now… it’s like I finally know what home feels like but I can’t go there yet.

I’m not willing to give up.

I deserve happiness and love.

co-sign times infinity. distance and time aren’t kind either. either way, i’ve just got to keep busy and carry on, playing the waiting game.

on: loving, leaving, friendships and that sort of messy stuff

i’m that kind of person that will wait to speak to you, instead of text you certain things. for instance i always wanted to tell you, “you’re going to hurt me. i’m going to hurt you. that is just how life works, if we’re lucky, we wont hurt each other too bad. if we’re lucky, we’ll look past it.”

when something feels like an end, we tend to think about the things we were saving to speak, instead of text. we tend to think of the laugh that would follow, or the humbled, murmured response. i’ve always believed that people come into your life when they are supposed to. sometimes they come, and go, and come back several times, until they decide to stay, make a cup of coffee and light a cigarette next to you. sometimes we ignore each other because we don’t have the words to make it better. we look at our respective mobiles. notice how their name slowly descends the rank from most recent text, call, voicemail.

sometimes if we’re lucky, we end up back where we once were. safe, comfortable, happy, vulnerable, unashamed, uninhibited. there are many times in life where we don’t end up back there. lovers and friends weave back and forth in our lives, each city, each road-trip, each time we leave our homes. strangers become friends. friends become lovers. 

 they all will go, at some point. we die. we get sick. we get married. we move to another country. no, it never is easy when you feel like you’ve “lost” someone. you rack your brain for the reason, what did “i” do?  maybe its better, some say. maybe it shows us that for that one moment in time, we were worth loving. at one moment we meant something to someone, and in that moment there was no pain, there were no questions.

i sit here with Bukowski, looking at a valentine i made, too early. do i send it? do i dispose it? dismantle? none of the above. i’ll keep it. and if you ever come back, you’ll receive it. it reminds me of our first interaction. it reminds me of when you made me laugh, and it’s just a spoon.

“I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it. But I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than a whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.”